I cried for like an hour straight. Duwayne rubbed my back and soothed me through it. He kept telling me how strong I am and how proud of me he is. I told him I am not strong because I cant do this much longer. I beat myself up every day. I just really needed to let it out. I've been holding back for weeks. I've been in the hospital since May 17th and I've cried several times since then. But today when I had my cervical legnth check and it was worse than it's been, and they explained that I still can't go home, I just lost it!!!!
I know I'm doing what's best for my baby boy. But I'm scared, confused, angry, tired, and just overall sick of being in the hospital. And realistically I have a very long time to go (IF I make it full term). The days are passing by so slow and I've missed and will miss my entire summer. :-( I came to the realization that I will never have a baby shower to celebrate my baby, I will never get to take maternity pictures to capture the memories of my pregnancy, and I will never have any positive pregnancy memories because all I will think about is these four walls I had to stare at every day and the nightmares I had while I was here. I know this is only temporary and I thank God every day that I've made it this far...(27 weeks & 3 days). It's just affecting me the more I dwell on my situation.
I know I'm doing what's best for my baby boy. But I'm scared, confused, angry, tired, and just overall sick of being in the hospital. And realistically I have a very long time to go (IF I make it full term). The days are passing by so slow and I've missed and will miss my entire summer. :-( I came to the realization that I will never have a baby shower to celebrate my baby, I will never get to take maternity pictures to capture the memories of my pregnancy, and I will never have any positive pregnancy memories because all I will think about is these four walls I had to stare at every day and the nightmares I had while I was here. I know this is only temporary and I thank God every day that I've made it this far...(27 weeks & 3 days). It's just affecting me the more I dwell on my situation.
While I am not in the hospital, I have been on bed rest for 3 months now. I understand your frustration with no baby shower (this is my first pregnancy), missing summer, I have missed and will continue to miss friends weddings, holidays/cookouts, etc. While my cervix issue has been holding up well, I was recently diagnosed with gestational diabetes. That has taken a big emotional toll on me. I keep thinking that one day, this will all be a distant memory. I know it's hard but you got this.
ReplyDelete